Post by James on Jun 27, 2007 22:23:52 GMT -5
To the greatest television show of all time...
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.